been a while but i remembered i wanna keep a journal of personal thoughts maybe just as a place to lodge down things i might forget in the future . ive gotten back into hndr proper lol reading more and more and holy shit yeah retsnom is good . oh darumi my darumi . as maechi would put it . and drawing alot more . i realized only recently that i think the reason ive been so hesitant on drawing in general is because ive kinda linked it too much to what i wanted as a future career . it made me hopeless that if i dont see any improvment nbow i would never see it in time to be a proper artist . thankfully my plans changed and i realized i much prefer a future becoming a therapist which kinda freed up my heavy expectations on myself but thats probably another thing to tackle when it comes to my ability to read people lolol . drawing also became much more fun when i had subject i wanted to draw so ive been doing hndr body type anatomy practice its nice to see i can accurately draw kuraras cute and petite body like the little loser she is .
yesterday i dropped a bowl and a shard bounced up and sliced my shin open . i started hyperventilating and crying as my dad put a bandage onto it and it put into perspective for me how much of a child i still am . i think for a long time ive denied myself the inner child i need . its most definitely age regression especially with how i act when i do . i act simple and think simple . like a small animal lol . but i become much more swept up in emotions and clingy to mae . they said that something probably happened recently that awoke that side of me . i think its them taking a more caretaker role in our relationship as of recent . i went through something bad recently and the way theyve been comforting me and loving me and reassuring me that ill be alright was something i never had before . coming off of a horrible relationship where i really never had someone to properly support me and instead where they just tell me itll be alright instead of actively force me to think about whats wrong and process it and make sure i learn from it has been a change . they say we act like each others parent AND child swapping and taking the role of parent when its needed . i find it cute how much they like to make things neat and orderly for themself even if its just a label . i kinda appreciate it since it helps put words to the things i feel too . back to what i was talking about before lol but not entirely disconnected . for a long time i was playing suicide keepaway with that previous relationship i never really had someone to take care of me . i dont and wont keep it a secret that i am a victim of cocsa and sa and the first time ive ever really trully felt cared for regarding processing those things instead of just being told ill be alright was with mae so that mightve unlocked a side o fme that wanted to be cared for even more hence the age regression . i felt shame for that side of me for so long . like i need to be the parent and fix everything all the time every time but being able to allow myself that comfort of being cared for was almost too much for me all at once . i feel shame over too many things . over who i am . over what i feel . over what i enjoy . that last relationship taught me all of those and its nice to be able to undo all of that . its almost embarrassing how much i tell them i love them . over and over .
almost worryingly so lol .
played yttd as well with maechi recently . i finished chapter 1 with them and cried like a bitch . i wont spoil but that last scene hits just as hard as it did when i first played it like 4 or 5 years ago . my rooms also clean i did alot of cleaning and its much more organized like waaaaaaay organized . i think thats it tho . idk lol just a check in . this was much more therapeutic than i remembered . im probably gonna write another when i feel like it . thanks .
inu loves you