2026 is here and ig i have something to ruminate on regarding 2025 . saving the obvious point for last because i dont wanna just have this whole thing be me praising them , ill talk about other things first . ig most of it is just processing things . living and growing as i step into new stages of life .
being 21 is interesting . i can drink legally even if i have before lol . but its also a pretty strange middle point between still being a child and being an adult . i know legally i am one , but its hard to say i concretely feel like an adult . idek know what that means to feel like an adult . is it having your own place to stay ? paying taxes ? working a 9-5 ? idk i havent gotten to any of those aside for a job which even then im only there 2 days a week since im still in school working to get a proper job . i still feel like im 14 . i never felt like i grew past being a child because i realize only now how little i know about the world or myself . im only now realizing that you as a person can have boundaries . that youre allowed to like things that you like . its hard for me to even look up details on how to sign up for classes or apply for financial shit because i dont even know the first step . regardless i think with time ill learn , its not an easy process learning how to be a human , especially being someone as retarded as i am lol but i think i will learn .
i think one of the things im happiest about having this year is a concrete future to look forward to . i never had that before because there were always uncertainties or aspects that made me uncomfortable but for once i can say i actually feel hope for a future i will enjoy . i do wanna pursue art and all but i more than ever want to pursue being a therapist because i find the idea of helping people like me really fun . ive found myself more open to my hobbies , ive been drawing more , writing more , experimenting more . its all so fun being able to enjoy what i find comfort in again . ive had complicated with relationships with the things i create before , some that remain even now , but it feels like i can finally get back into the swing of things . i just have to make sure not to let myself get distracted from school again , i failed my summer make up classes so bad i got suspended from signing up for more until i spoke to a counselor . surely i got it this time , this is all for my future so i can really truly achieve my happy ending
as for things i did this year , i really got into hundred line and of the devil as the two most notable to me . ive never been so fixated on something as much as i have those two games but like they very quickly became two of my favorites ever really . the story of otd is just very resonant with me in so many ways through thinking about being human and love and the worth of learning both of them . oh serra ashur my darling , how i love you . its just so perfectly written so compelling so fun , morgan very quickly became my favorite protagonist ever right next to rika which is an astounding feat considering how much i love rika . hundred line on the other hand is just as mind infecting but like for pervert reasons , but there are still reasons why i love it as is . nozomi is the main reason , since she was kind of a nico nuke flashbanging me with one of the most me characters ever since fucking anon chihaya . well alot of the time if you show nico a character that sees sacrificing themself as the only service to those they love and feels like they owe everything to the people they feel gave them everything in the first place and must placate everyone they are around because they feel like they must save face and pride by acting as the perfect self they have in their head, most of the time theyll go "oh my god thats literally me" so nozomi was kind of a shoo in (disregarding the mommy cgl stuff) . i just like them both . alot . like very very much im very happy ive found both of them . its really funny how after so many years of having a very complicated relationship with writing these two are the things that fucking get me out of that its so fun .
discovering i concretely have npd was also pretty neat , it really recontextualized alot of things and how i act . of course my constant need for validation , reminding that im special important etc , and being the center of attention to comfort my low self esteem , self inferiority , jealousy , and need for perfect control was pretty obvious considering how upset i get when topics arent about something im personally invested in or not personally involved in . but seeing how "not responding well to being treated as normal or human" is the reason why i find therapy so unbearable to me but so appealing for me to provide for others was really funny . additionally , my hatred of criticism was something that shouldve been obvious to point towards npd because of how badly criticism affects me and even controls my actions to a point . my inability to make solid friends because of my belief that im special and unique and can only be understood by people i also see as special . internal heirarchies and splitting . lack of affective empathy . all that was really therapeutic to learn over that year and properly practice methods of bettering myself . for the longest time i knew i was self centered self absorbed entirely selfish and i thought i was lesser for that because of my need to be a perfect person and never let anyone think less of me , but for that to all be like something diagnoseable and not just a character defect made me a little happy .
alot of people i just , cut off this year . theres people i still talk to but , this year definitely signified a change in my environment . of course theres ... the big one . but everyone else in that friend group i had to leave behind even if i enjoyed speaking to them . to be honest though , aside from a select few people , namely a friend i got really close to and two people i genuinely see as the older siblings i wish i had , i felt like i was still in the middle point of floating between friend groups as that was technically the transitioning period from another group that had dissolved out . needless to say i feel even more listless , drifting in a deep void passing through areas and saying hi but still feeling too distant to concretely feel like i have a place . i think im just afraid of it happening again , that everything and everyone will have to leave again . two changes of community happening in such short succession and all including me at the center of why , its hard not to feel like the reason it happens but i know better than that . i was around bad people . i was used by bad people . i was attached to bad people . but now theyre gone . im anew and yet still they remain in the back of my mind like a parasite i wish to cut off , almost physically . its hard to move on from something like that , people who you attribute so much of yourself to . its like whole parts of me i hate and want to cut off , like an arm that doesnt belong to me anymore . so many of my interests . so many of my habits . even just their name popping into my head if something reminds me . its disgusting and makes me feel ashamed that its a part of myself and the fact i feel so unwantedly attached to it just makes me feel more ashamed . idk maybe im just insane . i hope soon i can rewrite those parts of me . i dont want to cut anything off . but i want those parts of me back . im not whole .
i guess tho , the most important thing this year obviously , was finally truly being with them . at the time of writing , mae and i are almost reaching our first anniversay . one year , but even then i feel like a whole different person . somehow , like someone whole . because of them . someone who encourages me . someone who talks me through my lowest moments . someone who scolds me when i mess up . someone who really truly loves me and wants me to be my fullest self . i remember how we first met , someone i now hate had introduced me to them like i was their clone . we started talking because we were both artists and we just started talking . everyday . its so cliche to say we clicked almost immediately but it really did feel like that . we started off talking about vns mostly fate and wtc because thats what the server we met in was about but more and more we had learned about the things we had in common like bandori vocaloid etc etc . although i know , concretely , that when i knew they were at the very least my best friend was when we made ocs together . id loved that span of a few months where the two of us had made ocs together it was two girls bands because i had just finished mygo around that time and bandori was fully in my mind so we decided to make our own angst filled girls bands with our favorite tropes and see where that took us . unfortunately it died out because we both got busy with our own things and we have since never revisted but we never stopped talking since then . i thought they were so easy to be around and just talk to about anyhting at all and it was around that point i realized just how much i felt open when around them . i mentioned last post (person who cant stop talking about their partner) but i had left a bad relationship at the time one that felt very constricting one that was unbearably limiting because i was taught to feel shame over everything . they really wanted me to be someone else . but with mae i felt . uniquely , and for the first time in so long , like myself . like there were parts of me locked away that i felt shame for having . felt shame for allowing to exist . i loved the feeling of being around them . that i didnt have to feel obligated to be around them , that i wanted to be around them just because i wanted to . these feelings continue to today . after i confessed . after almost a year of dating . after almost a year of improvement , growth , love . i love them . i love them so much . i love how easily swept up they get . i love how passionately they fight for the things they love . i love how needy they get when im not around . i love how flustered they get at the smallest sense of flirting . i love how creative they are despite how much they think otherwise . i love how theyre the first person to ever truly fight for me . fight for our happiness . fight for our happy ending . i love them . i love them so much . i love being around them . i love being their partner . i love being able to say im their partner . i love the past weve shared so far . i love the future we have together . i yearn for the day i can sit beside them and physically know theyre there . i love you mae . youre a powerful force . one that i wish to see thrive . youve helped me do just that . i really really love you . you make me whole .
all of this to say , time has passed again . growing is a pain . not in the physical sense . im scared of dying , so knowing one second passed is one second closer is just as scary as pressing a gun to my forehead . i have this recurring dream . im attending my own funeral , but it seems i can never decide what age i am in that coffin . that scares me . that i have no control over when i go . that sometimes i have too much control over when i go . i wake up and its the same ceiling , im just a day older . and i hate it . i hate it . i hate it i hate it i hate it i hate it . its scary being older its scary time passes . but ill be alright . i have a future ahead of me . i have control over more than i think . and i have a happy ending awaiting me . so i choose to see that same ceiling one more day . no matter what .
everything is static up there . i have no direction . im just feeling around through to the next day . i want to be able to see one day . everything in my mind in my heart is a mess . i want to jump up and down cheering and cry tears of joy at the beauty of the world i live in , the beauty of everything i can be . i want to lay down press my face into the pillow and cry for hours until my head starts to hurt and im choked dry from dehydration . i want to scream and throw something across the room over and over again until its nothing but broken pieces of what it once was and punch the wall over and over again until my knuckles bleed . all at once . at the same time . i lost the first folder of drawings i ever kept . i close my eyes and from then i imagine the face of everyone ive ever met . im sitting in a basement playing with playdoh with my cousin . i lodge a wad of it into the mouth of a doll and my aunt watching over us has to fish it out with a plastic spoon . im afraid of the dark . im sitting in the parking lot of a taco bell with people i spent more than half of my life calling friends and i know a week from now ill probably never see some of their faces again . im wishing that moment could last forever , or that that i could atleast have ordered something better . i still have to sleep with the lights dimmed . i had a dream once that i only ever told my mom about the morning i woke up from it . i was shot in the head and i could feel the life pouring out of me . it was painless . felt like tipping your glass over and feeling the sensation of the water steadily pouring out . i opened my eyes in whatever i imagined heaven to be and my mother greeted me saying she would see me soon . i panicked as i woke up . i sobbed as i walked up the stairs to tell her about it and i cried in her arms saying i didnt want to go . i would repeat that dream as it was the most vivid ive ever had . i am afraid .
its your guess what im trying to say here . im typing all of this in the middle of the night and i dont think im gonna be sleeping anytime soon .
in 2025 i turned 21 . idk if the me who looked forward to that day would have anything to say . i wanted more than anything to be someone who was proud of the adult they became . i dont know if that child self would be proud of the me today . the thought makes me cry . but right now , more than anything , i want to be proud of the me years down the line . i want to see the adult i become .
inu loves you